Unpacking my Dysfunction...Who said this was a bad thing?

I have had a very bizarre toxic pain in my body and my head for the last few days. I could barely function. I slept in until 1:00 pm today and when I woke up, my head was flooded with a million thoughts. It felt like the linking together of past memories and correlations to family members in my dysfunctional-extended family. I almost feel like my mom was learning some lessons, in the afterlife, just as she told us she was still yet to learn about her own upbringing. No doubt these were very painful lessons she was learning and even though, she needed to share them with us. That, to me, could somewhat explain the chain of events leading up to the present moment of me writing these things down.

What conclusion did I come to? What epiphany am I going to theorize? I think it is at least worthy of being considered. So, here we go. I will start with the end result and work my way backward. The phrase that materialized in my head after all the thoughts tumbled through my mind was, “When a narcissist uses religion to shame her children…”

I am speaking of my grandmother as the origin. What are the clues for my basis of thinking? I have many, because for some reason, I don’t forget small things that occurred in my past of which I couldn’t understand or explain at the time, but I knew “were not normal, or right.” So, with that being said:

1.    My mother had an intense hatred of my grandma. Mom's emotionally charged tears at my grandma’s funeral seemed to be more about expressing feelings of painful joy that her mother was finally gone. What I witnessed though were more pronounced feelings of a sense of confusion, hurt, and pain associated with not knowing why grandma treated mom the way she did. Basically, “why did you wound my life to the core?”

2.    My grandma had traits of being a classic narcissist in that she put a lot of responsibilities on her children while she went out and behaved like a social butterfly living in a world of ignorant bliss, in the name of God.”

That is just 2 clues so far.

Now let’s look at some of the things being said by someone who wrote an article called, “It’s not me, it’s you children.” I found this article when I Googled my phrase about Narcissists who use religion to shame children. He says this:

“If you are like me and you were indoctrinated as a Christian since birth by your character-impaired parent(s), you may ask yourself:  What came first, the religion or the personality problem?  Sometimes these two wonderful things just come together in one wacky, messed-up package.”

Okay, so far, that includes my whole family. Now let’s talk about the ability to have empathy and understanding. He says this:

This narcissist has empathy for those whom they consider to be like them, a part of their tribe, but none for anyone they consider to be “the other.”

Grandma exemplifies this behavior. She shunned anyone out of the family including my grandfather’s siblings of whom my mother loved and adored. Yet, she did not allow them into her home which broke my mom’s heart. Whenever we were babysat by the grandparents, 9 out of 10 friends were on the blacklist and we were not allowed to play with them. Grandma supervised the neighborhood to see who the “good” neighbors were. She taught all of her children to judge people like this.

Love is supposed to feel like love and the behavior that grandma taught feels like exactly what it is: hate masquerading as love.

Many of us who grew up in Christian households unknowingly experienced emotional abuse.  We did not realize this at the time because in our culture some forms of emotional abuse pass for good parenting.  A lot of us even believed we had good childhoods, and could not understand why we spent so many years struggling with low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.  Hey, my mom clothed me, fed me, gave me shelter, she sent me to school, took me to church, and made sure I was polite.  I did not get beaten often, or enough to leave marks or sexually molested.  On the other hand, I also did not get my emotions validated, get praised for being the person I actually am or get my feelings mirrored back to me by an empathic parent.  I did get shamed, however, and I did get to be on the receiving end of screaming, erratic rage.  I did get to be responsible for managing my mother’s emotions and acting as her therapist.  I did get to be called “stupid idiot” and get criticized for everything about me, including my physical appearance, or dismissed and yelled at simply for asking questions or expressing my individuality. But that was only on the days I was actually getting attention; the rest of the time I was completely ignored.  And because being responsible for a young child with needs was an inconvenience my mother did not have the energy for, I was a burden.  Mind you, this was all considered “good parenting.”  And if you ask anyone who knew me then, they will tell you I was a great kid, I was happy, I had a good childhood, and my mother was a great parent who loved me.  So, you know, shut the fuck up about abuse, because it did not happen, do not rock the boat.  Narcissistic family systems will make this clear:  We will not change…the problem is you.

Is your skin crawling yet? Got chills running down your spine? Now, pair this dynamic with hiding behind the name of God, as grandma did. Now let’s ask the question why did mom say that she was confused about religion? Because we all assume that we should feel good in the name of God, not bad. Mom was trying to process conflicting behavior from her mother with religious doctrine. That--- is some SERIOUS gaslighting which can really fuck a person up over time. She was never taught what was love is; so, as much as she felt it, she could not possibly express it to us the way she wanted to.

Now – do you want to know what triggered some of these things in my brain to come to this conclusion? Okay. So this might sound confusing, but that’s what this whole dynamic is based on at its very core! So, I’ll do my best.

Let me start by saying this: All of my life—I have been told to SSSSSHHHHHH!! Be quiet, nobody needs to know our business. You talk too much. Why did you say that? Why did you tell that? My answer is this – because I can’t help it. I need answers and I have no secrets to keep. So, keep this in mind when I tell you what happened as a result of sharing some info with one of my uncles on the phone last week. Now, bear in mind, I’m not stupid. I know that whatever I say to them will be processed through this brainwashed filter that was indoctrinated with and anything I tell them will then be digested and regurgitated back to me completely distorted and putrified. I went into this knowing that! But. I had to learn and I had to prove myself right for reasons unknown to me at that moment.  Reasons I didn’t know until now.

I told my Uncle David that my sister Robyn and I had a beautiful experience visiting our mother in the afterlife through a psychic channel experience.  Although I knew this was going to be viewed as blasphemy, I had to see it played out because, for one thing, the point I was trying to convey, was that my mom was now free and happy and released from all her burdens which in turn, brought us a feeling of peace. How could anyone deny someone that?  All of his brainwashings, as it is with all of my aunts and uncles, were designed to immediately put new or different ideas immediately through the filter they were ingrained with and remain blind and closed-minded. And that is just phase one. What follows is a lifetime of being branded, sometimes with a new nickname, and ridiculed amongst themselves in order to make themselves look obedient to grandma and superior in some strange and distorted way.

So a week after sharing this information with Uncle David- which was last night- I spoke to Uncle David again. What was the first thing out of his mouth? “So, did you go to the Voo Doo doctor again?” I laughed and replied with, “What took you so long? I expected this from you sooner...although, I know the source of your [bullshit?] is probably Uncle Bob…” to which he replied with confirmation of just that. This was followed by a story that blew my mind and led to this breakthrough of understanding.  He told me a story that Uncle Bob told him [as a result of hearing about our experience] about when they were growing up. He said that many missionaries would come to their church from other countries including cultures that practiced things like VooDoo, and similar beliefs that were deemed to be evil by the Church of the Nazarene. Basically, if it wasn’t what was preached at the Church of the Nazarene, it was Satanic.  So, the final message was a warning. If we were not careful, Satan would soon be coming to demand payment, most likely with our souls. While I was listening, I felt like I was floating outside of my body watching this experience in disbelief. How could anyone be so closed-minded? He refused to accept what I had shared to be anything like what they talk about in church. I mean, didn’t they talk about things like spirits and the afterlife?

More of what I read:

 I spent years unpacking my family of origin and learning how my indoctrination affected me.  I researched codependency when I found I identified strongly with the adult children of alcoholics (my mother does not drink).  I looked into religious addiction, personality disorders, emotional abuse, and narcissistic family systems.

So my discovery has led me to discoveries about the confusion I have felt all my life. It is not religion that is to blame. It is the narcissistic family system of origin hiding behind the religion that is to blame. That is how deep it is. I can only imagine my sister Kathy being religious about God, or any other God-like figure. Oh wait – there it is—her God is the Almighty dollar. Above all else-mother, father, sisters, husband, children, … MONEY is the most important! And to that end, she will remain a firm disciple until the end. Wait! I take that back! Is it money that is the Almighty God to her, OR….is it Kathy who is the Almighty God to whom she DEMANDS all people - bow and worship? Food for thought!